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Brooke Carter: Put your hand on my head one more time…

I read an earth-shattering article on Esquire’s website a couple months ago called “The Demise of the Blowjob” that claimed more and more men prefer giving head than receiving it. No longer is it simply common courtesy to go down on one’s partner to secure lip service in return. According to the article, guys actually like eating girls out.

This trend has not caught on with my male friends just yet.

I recently went down on a very well-endowed guy for what felt like hours. The first time I did it with him, I was not prepared for the mouthful that he was packing down there, so it was pretty terrible for both of us. The second time, though, I was better prepared and fully determined to redeem myself.

I was getting into it, making vocalizations so the vibrations from my throat would reach his dick, as well as alternating between sucking, kissing and moving my mouth up and down his shaft. I felt like a fellating world champion.

And then, lo and behold, Josh*, with complete disregard for my gag reflex, places the palm of his hand on my head.

Oh, fuck, I immediately thought.

Then, as expected, Sir Hung-Like-A-Horse starts pushing my head further towards the base of his penis, whilst I focused on breathing through my nose and not crying.

Let me explain to you in dollars and cents, literally, how big this gentleman is. As a dumb guy joke in high school, Josh and his friends decided to see how many quarters they could lay base-to-tip on their erect penises. Josh managed to line 20 quarters along his schlong.

Needless to say, I was literally dealing with a five-dollar-footlong.

I was trying so hard to suck it up (pun intended) and just finish him off and then never go down on him again for fear of death by suffocation. But no such luck. I went down so far that my teeth made contact with skin.

That’s right, everybody. I had committed the ultimate blowjob sin: I bit him.

“OW!” he exclaimed, eyes shooting awake from their euphoric state.

I quickly apologized, turned beet red and attempted to finish the job. Unfortunately, my head was no longer in the game and I gave up.

The moral of the story is this: boys, do not shove your lady friend’s head further down your dick than she already is. Believe me, she’s taking as much as she can in her mouth from the get-go. Should you decide to give your girl a little pushy encouragement, you risk having your penis bitten.

My friend Will*, who also has a larger-than-life dong, says he especially likes it when a girl gags on his penis during fellatio.

“It’s kind of flattering,” he explained.

Ugh. Can’t boys just be content having a girl’s mouth near that area without making them choke on their kickstand?

My final words are for fellows with Thor’s hammer between their legs and the ladies that love them: communication is key. So is knowing your gag reflex tolerance. And remembering to cover your teeth with your lips.

*Names included in this anonymous column have been changed to protect the guilty.

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